When it hits the news that a well known person like a celebrity, politician, or an incredibly wealthy person, has been accused of abuse, the first thing that comes to mind is that somebody was sexually and/or physically abused. You're then expecting to see the hashtag #MeToo show up on social media. People will then talk about how it shouldn’t have happened. Complaints about people abusing their position of power are shared. Then there will be demand that it needs to stop.
That's what comes to mind when somebody famous is accused of abuse. However, there's something else that needs to be addressed when it comes to the topic, that we seem to have accepted as part of society. It’s the kind of abuse that doesn't even need to get to a sexual or physical nature.
I’m talking about being mean.
I’m talking about making disparaging remarks.
I’m talking about using derogatory phrases.
I’m talking about cruelty.
I’m talking about being dismissive.
I’m talking about applying peer pressure.
I’m talking about exerting authority.
I’m talking about manipulation.
I’m talking about thoughtlessness.
I’m talking about rudeness.
I’m talking about being inappropriate.
I would argue that those are legitimate examples of abuse as well, and are usually a combination of them. I’m sure you’ve witnessed and or experienced one of those, at your workplace, your school, your friends, and your family.
Isn’t it abuse when your friends or family make you do something you know isn’t right?
Isn’t it abuse when your classmates make fun of you or pick on you?
Isn’t it abuse when your boss at work designates all the horrible assignments only to you, and plays favorites with your other co-workers?
You probably thought that the person was just being mean, and that you hate having to put up with it. Somebody probably said that if you didn’t tolerate it, then you are being weak, thin skinned, or too sensitive. It’s then suggested that you need to work hard, so you can be in a position where you don’t have to take it anymore, and in turn be able to dish it out yourself. It might also be implied that you weren’t abused at all, and it’s your own fault if you think it was.
“Hey! I’m just joking. Don’t get mad.”
“Calm down, I meant no harm, why are you getting so upset?”
“Look, I’m having a bad day, so don’t get on my nerves.”
So if there was no physical or sexual harm, no hate crimes, nothing technically illegal was done, and that all you have to do is to not be the victim, then are some people correct when they say that those aren’t actual examples of abuse?
I think that’s the problem though.
There’s a reason these “acceptable” forms of abuse have become an endless cycle through the generations. There are too many people perpetrating them, and not enough people speaking up against them. Those examples of abuse are a behavioral issue that people have just been conditioned to accept as a fact of life. As long as you are in a position of power, you can do and say whatever you want. Right? Just look at the recent popular example in the news of people complaining about abuse by Producer/Director/Writer Joss Whedon. Heck, just look at former President Donald Trump and what happened there!
So yes. I absolutely think those examples given are true forms of abuse. Just because somebody wasn’t physically assaulted, sexually harassed, or called racist terms, doesn’t make them any less abusive. The result is still the same. It causes trauma to a person at the receiving end of those actions, that will have a lasting negative effect for the rest of their life. All because somebody thought their acceptable toxic behavior was “righteous” or “harmless.”
No matter how minimal and mild it may seem, or it supposedly being a justified action, any form of abuse is not harmless, and it has to stop.
Right now, the most popular method of trying to hold people accountable from their abusive behavior that doesn’t involve legal or criminal actions is to “cancel them.” Get rid of their public presence, ruin them financially, and cease support of their work. Hopefully that gives others the idea to not be abusive. However, the problem is that it’s still a reactive form of action, and only gives abusers the idea that they just have to try harder not to get caught.
We need to be more proactive in stopping the abuse from happening in the first place. We need to tell people not to be abusive. We need to teach ourselves (I include myself there), to try to avoid such toxic behavior. We need to encourage people to consider the well being of others.
That lesson starts at home. It continues in school. It’s applied to where we play. It’s enforced at the workplace. It’s performed in life.
If you need just one simple reminder to not be an abuser, then it’s this...
Be nice. Don’t be mean.
P.S. I didn’t even address the internet, and we all know how much abuse goes on in social media, YouTube, news + opinion websites, and more.